The Comparison Snowball Part II

My love/hate relationship with Facebook also has to do with popularity.  "Hi, my name is Heather, and I wish I was more popular".  There, I said it.  The truth is that I like the feeling of popularity, knowing people like me, and more recently - making comments and liking my posts on Facebook.

Initially it was innocent.  I went on Facebook to have a few friends, keep up with some old friends, and just be a little more in-the-know.  I knew that I would have to tread carefully, because a few years earlier I had quit blogging because I was caught in a popularity trap.  Other people's blogs were getting more comments, more followers, and mine was just, well, done.  I had to quit, because every time I saw that 'Sally' had 21 comments on her blog post, and I had maybe 7, I would get down on myself.

I quit that and moved on to Facebook, thinking that wouldn't be the case.  But, here I am, just a few years later, dealing with the same insecurities.

The worst is that I've spent too much time looking for the approval of people in the stands. Especially when it's someone like my cousin once-removed, who has obviously unfollowed me because she never posts a single comment or likes a single photo of mine - when she posts about 50 times a day, and I seem to like or comment of every one of her dang posts. No more!  I look at that lack of attention from her, and feel inadequate.  I'm not "cool enough" to receive her time or her thoughts.  I worry about what I've said, done, posted that has caused her to turn away.  And then I think to myself, why the heck do I care about HER opinion when she is basically nonexistent in my day-to-day life?!  Why. Do. I. Care.  She doesn't, so why do I?  Because first, disease to please.  Second, popularity.  I want to be liked.  To be interesting.  To inspire. To encourage. To know that I'm doing well.

So how to conquer it?  Continue to pursue the realization that I cannot base my worth on the opinions of those in the stands.  It matters what those who really KNOW ME think of me.  It matters that the people who VALUE ME and not what I can DO FOR THEM, or GIVE TO THEM think.  And above all, it matters what GOD thinks - and the last I checked, He would have died to save even me.

The Comparison Snowball Part I

Social media is great, and I hate to admit that I like it.  However, the downside is that I have to be super careful with it, or I may end up in what I call "the comparison snowball".

While we all know already that social media is basically everyone's highlight reel of life being shown to the public, those of us who suffer with the "disease to please" and an addiction to Facebook "likes" might find themselves comparing.  Even those without this predisposition can find themselves in a comparison trap!  It's just that we see something that someone else is doing well, and while we are genuinely (or not genuinely) happy for them and their greatness, what we suddenly see is everything we are not good at it.

Here is an example:

"Oh, look!  'Jenny' completed a 10km marathon this weekend. (hit "like" or "love") Good for her!  That must have been hard.  I can do hard things.  Or can I?  I've tried running and didn't like it.  Maybe I can't do hard things.  Maybe I'm just failing at mothering because my kids don't see me doing anything hard (forgetting that not running is not failure, and all the other things you do well). I suck. She should probably be my kids' mom".

This is exaggerating a little - but it's honestly what my mind starts to do with someone else's accomplishments. I will completely forget my value, my worth, my own strengths, abilities, talents and accomplishments.  The snowball starts to roll, and I literally throw myself into an anxiety attack / depression.

I'm learning to stop these negative thought "snowballs".  As soon as I start the long list of my failures in my mind, I stop and start reminding myself of successes.

Here is an example of the POSITIVE thought process:

"Oh, looks! 'Jenny' completed a 10km marathon this weekend.  Good for her!  That must have been hard.  Can I do hard things?  Yes, I also do hard things.  I've gone through hard things, and made it through.  I take good care of my kids all day, every day.  I love them, and they love me back.  I'm fun to be with, and I love to do little things for my friends that make them feel special.  So while I don't run, I am good at a lot of other things. I'm going to send 'Jenny' a message to tell her I'm proud of her - because that is what I am good at."

You Belong - and So Do I

This is a little blurb I wrote for the first day of MOFM (Morning Out for Moms).  It's about belonging, but I think it touches on things that ALL women can relate to. Enjoy!

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This summer I spent some very specific time in prayer for our group, and a word that kept popping into my mind each time was “Belonging”.  Perhaps “Belonging” can be a theme for us this year as we continue our journey together as moms.

When you think of “belonging” versus “fitting in” what do you think of?

When I think about belonging, I think of being completely authentic, my real self. I think of a group where I can be vulnerable and real without fear of judgement or criticism.  I think of people with whom I don’t need to put on a mask to hide my faults, but where I can be imperfect, and where that imperfection is seen as a strength and not a weakness.

In our recent Bible study, the author Lisa Harper gave a wonderful interpretation of a story from the Bible.  She told the story of little children that came to Jesus, and how his disciples stopped them.  However, Jesus told the disciples "Let the children come to me. Don't stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who are like these children."

How does that have anything to do with belonging?  Well, let’s say Jesus came in to sit with our group today.  One of the children notices him, and runs to the back room to tell all the others “Hey!  Jesus is here!  Let’s go see him!”.  Our army of children would all come running out from the back room, with cookies smeared on their faces, cracker crumbs stuck in their hair, and play dough caked onto every square inch of them!  They would be a mess.  Likely, when seeing this hurricane of messy children running at Jesus we would all try to grab for our kid – to wipe away a few crumbs, instruct them to be respectful, and to be polite.  And Jesus would say to us, “Stop!  Just let them come!”.

We are all a bit messy and muddy.  We have hurts in our hearts, sins cluttering up our closets, and faults that we just can’t beat. And you know what?  We belong to Jesus EXACTLY as we are!  He doesn’t care how imperfect we look, He loves us.

We want MOFM to be a place like that.  A place where you can come just as you are (are some of you now singing that hymn in your head?).  Please come and leave your masks at the door.  They aren’t necessary here!  Come with your heart open, as your authentic self.  And then, when you leave, do not suffer from vulnerability hangover!  You know the feeling?  You go over every conversation in your head, analyzing and evaluating your every word, your every emotion.  Was I too chatty today?  Did I laugh too loudly at that joke?  Why did I cry there today, they must think I’m such a weak person?!  I think I made a total fool of myself.  You lay awake at night worrying about the impression you left on us.  Don’t do that – we aren’t thinking about that at all.  As Brene Brown put it, “Vulnerability sounds like truth, and feels like courage”. 

My prayer is that each of you walks into this space this year with confidence of your belonging here.  You don’t have to try to fit in – you already do.  You’re a mom – and I bet you are a pretty excellent one!  You will mother your babies exactly as God created you to, and so will I.  Together we can stand strong, encourage each other, carry a bit of the load for someone else, and hopefully each of us will feel so absolutely normal.

When I Can't Get Out

One of the biggest causes of anxiety for me is any situation in which I feel I will be letting someone down, causing them to think less of me.  Usually this is just something I build up in my mind, and it goes like this...

"I'm about to tell 'Jane' that I can't be on that committee at school.  I can't do it because I'm on three other committees, I have some other obligations, and that means my plate is full.  I have to say no to something, and this is that thing.  She will be disappointed, and I will genuinely feel bad for being unable to help her.  She will not be pleased with me.  Perhaps she will even be angry with me.  Then she might go and talk to 'Sara' and let her know that I was 'unwilling' to help - and they will then *both* think less of me.  I cannot deal with that.  I can't bear to have that happen.  I'll just say yes so I can avoid that judgement.  I don't want them to think I am incapable of doing everything!"

I feel like I can't get out, and then I say "yes" to too many things. The result? I get overwhelmed, do a poor job in each of the areas I've obligated myself to, and feel depressed and anxious ANYWAY.

I'm learning to use "My Best Yes".  I read this book by Lysa Terkeurst - and it was wonderful!  Learning to take time to evaluate what I can, and cannot, commit to was something I needed to learn! Instead of having the "disease to please" make my decisions, I am now taking time to pray about these things, and decide whether it is truly in my best interest and if it is truly in God's will for me to be a part of a certain committee, event, etc.  It really has been freeing!  However, I still have to deal with the guilt, the anxious heart before I say no to something, and the feeling that I need to explain WHY I am saying no.

Just say a simple, ‘Yes, I will,’ or ‘No, I won’t.’ Anything beyond this is from the evil one. Matthew 5:37 NLT

So while I have a long way to go in perfecting this new skill, it is one that has a huge benefit.  To start I initially wiped my slate totally clean and started from scratch.  I asked myself which things needed to stay - like my local mom's group (Morning Out for Moms, a.k.a. MOFM).  I love that group, and I make it a priority to be there every week.  I love moms and kids, and because I get them, I want to be there for them.  I now serve on the committee, and I love it.  It's not stressful to me because it's already part of my weekly schedule, and it's WHERE my HEART is!  That makes me confident that God blesses me in that role, and therefore, it's a keeper.  Others had to be let go, some for good.  And that's okay too.  I have to admit I can't do it all, but I want to be GREAT in the things that I give my "yes" to!

A Great Reminder

I'm posting this article because I NEED to remember these things!

No More Fighting

When I think back to how I was feeling in the midst of the most serious times of my depression was that I just felt done fighting.  I felt I was fighting to be loved. Fighting to fit in. Fighting to be happy. Fighting to be a good mom. Fighting to be important. Fighting - just all day fighting - to know who I really am, and who I want to be, and where in all of that is Jesus.

When I became aware that many, many people fight these same thoughts I felt better instantly.  I had spent a lot of time just feeling really alone - even if I was surrounded by people.  I've read so many different things describing how it feels to have depression and anxiety, but this one stands out the most to me:

I could not describe this any better than this person does!  I was constantly in this fight - particularly in a fight about caring about everything at the same time, all the time.  I couldn't keep up this fight. That meant that I either had to stop fighting and let it take me down, or fight back so hard that it could no longer fight back!  I chose FIGHT BACK.

I knew a healthier mind, body and spirit would be needed - so I agreed to try those supplements that I mentioned earlier.  I also have psoriasis, and it interested me that there were correlations between information from the National Psoriasis Foundation and the information I was reading about the supplements I was taking.  This was about gut health, and it's effect on our mental and physical health.  I learned about leaky gut syndrome, candida overgrowth, and how our bodies don't absorb nutrients and vitamins as well as they should, and how we have to battle our health issues from the INSIDE OUT.  This was step one.

Step two was to start battling things from another angle - which was counselling.  Why did I put that off for so stinking long?!  I have no idea.  I think I just felt guilty for needing that time, having to ask for help with one of my kids to make it work, and always the endless guilt that "I shouldn't feel like this, I have a good life".

That last line there is probably one of the biggest hindrances I had to getting help.  I was constantly telling myself that I had NO RIGHT to feel what I felt because things in my life were GOOD.  The truth is, depression doesn't pick and choose who it affects by what is going on the person's life.  It doesn't just pick on people who have things worse or better.  It just comes, and it darkens the light and makes things that should be good, feel bad.  It didn't matter that I had a nice home, a beautiful family, a good husband.  All I knew is that IN MY HEAD I didn't like ME.  Who was I anyway?  An annoying nobody was usually the answer I would provide to myself.  You are an annoying, prideful, imperfect, unimportant nobody.  No one really cares.  No one really loves you.  No one really wants to be around you - nevermind to hear you speaking, or sharing your pathetic thoughts.

Well, if that's the inner voice you are listening to and BELIEVING, guess what?!  You feel downright shitty.  There is not other way to say it.  You cannot feel good about anything if you cannot find something to feel good about in YOURSELF.  It's just not possible.

It was time to make changes to my thought patterns - so that is where my journey in counselling began.  When I read this quote, it was followed by watching this video, which also helped me to realize that one "natural remedy" to my depression was going to be GRATITUDE practiced every single day:

So taking this new information, and putting into practice was the beginning to a more thankful me - and it began to help IMMEDIATELY.

The First Post

Whew! No pressure, right?! I can feel my perfectionist side rearing it's ugly head, forcing me to believe that I'd better put down something funny fast, otherwise I'm going to lose you.

I've lived with perfectionism for as long as I can remember.  I didn't really know it, or understand it's affect on my life though until I had three kids.  It never occurred to me that the intense feeling I had when I walked into a room of new people was my mind immediately evaluating the audience, and me flipping through my large array of masks deciding which one to wear to fit in with the crowd.  After that, upon meeting the same people again, I would have to dig through the mess of masks to find the right one again - or find a new one, if I felt the first one hadn't been the best fit.  It was actually exhausting, but I thought that it was normal.  I just wanted everyone that I met to like me - even if that meant sacrificing a little bit of the real me, or bending the rules of my beliefs (or maybe just not mentioning them) to make sure I was fitting in.  Despite the exhaustion and dissatisfaction I felt, I would plod on, certain that I would soon learn what it was that people were looking for that would throw me into a world of popularity, Facebook "likes" and Instagram followers.  I just wanted everyone to think I was perfect.

Sometime during the year of 2015 depression that had been following me for years became increasingly worse.  I was tired all the time, sad, easily pushed to tears.  I could not seem to get a handle on it.  I was talking to my friends frequently about my feelings, and there was a sinking feeling that I was losing them as well.  I'd constantly be questioning their loyalty, and felt that I was inferior to them. The depression and anxiety continued to snowball through the summer months.  I felt close to hopeless, and at times had fleeting and brief suicidal thoughts.  Never mind all the things I needed to do - I had kids to take care of, a husband, family, friends, three or four committees - and to each one I held myself to a standard of perfection, and knew I wasn't even close to meeting that.  I was wrecked.

Sometime in late November I finally went to see my Dr.  I have to admit that she and I have not seen eye-to-eye at times concerning mental health issues, but she is still my Dr.  What I really had hoped for was to start by doing some basic tests - like a really detailed physical.  Take some blood, look at some hormone and vitamin levels, and see if I was measuring up.  However, she would not do it.  Within a few minutes of talking to me, she told me I was moderately depressed and I needed to start taking an anti-depressant immediately.  She wrote out the prescription and that was it.  I wasn't happy.  It was not where I wanted to start.  I wasn't against the drugs at all, but I had hoped to look at a few other things first - not just head straight to anti-depressants.  I had been on them before, after my first baby and some pretty serious postpartum depression.  The drug she prescribed also had a side effect of weight gain, which I had seen personally in some other family members, and I was afraid.  I'm not huge, but neither was I at a place where I felt I could gain a few pounds either.  Wouldn't the weight gain cause a whole new realm of problems, even if the depression was resolved?  I filled the prescription, but never took a pill.

I had the pills in my medicine cabinet and looked at them daily.  About that same time I started to open up on Facebook a little more about the depression too - posting a few shared articles on depression and anxiety.  I also made a scary phone call to a mental health unit in my area for a self-referral for counselling.  I knew I needed a change, but it had to be bigger than just a pill.  It needed to be a life overhaul.  I took myself off of every committee I was on, and opened up to a few more people in my circle that I wasn't doing well.  I broke down and cried in front of the entire group of moms at my local mom's group.  It was definately time to get help.

At this time a friend came forward and told me about some products she was using that were really helping with her own anxiety.  She sent me numerous emails with information about the products, and then came to my house to talk to me personally about it.  I am not interested in being an infomercial for the products, despite the fact that I LOVE them, so if you want to know more about it then please contact me.  She generously offered to give me a month of the products for free, and so I started them on December 23rd.  Two weeks after I started to notice a change.  I had more energy and I was sleeping well.  After another week, I noticed I wasn't craving as much sugar, I was even more energetic, motivated, and felt more positive.  In January of 2016 I also began seeing a counsellor.  She was one of the best things that I ever did for myself! Her recommendation to read a book by Brené Brown, followed almost immediately by a Facebook video I watched also by Brené Brown lead me to purchase her book "The Gifts of Imperfection".  This was the beginning of the life overhaul changes that I hope have changed me forever!

This is just a brief (yes, BRIEF) overview of where I have come from recently.  I have so much more to add, and so much more to share - so STAY WITH ME!