No More Fighting

When I think back to how I was feeling in the midst of the most serious times of my depression was that I just felt done fighting.  I felt I was fighting to be loved. Fighting to fit in. Fighting to be happy. Fighting to be a good mom. Fighting to be important. Fighting - just all day fighting - to know who I really am, and who I want to be, and where in all of that is Jesus.

When I became aware that many, many people fight these same thoughts I felt better instantly.  I had spent a lot of time just feeling really alone - even if I was surrounded by people.  I've read so many different things describing how it feels to have depression and anxiety, but this one stands out the most to me:

I could not describe this any better than this person does!  I was constantly in this fight - particularly in a fight about caring about everything at the same time, all the time.  I couldn't keep up this fight. That meant that I either had to stop fighting and let it take me down, or fight back so hard that it could no longer fight back!  I chose FIGHT BACK.

I knew a healthier mind, body and spirit would be needed - so I agreed to try those supplements that I mentioned earlier.  I also have psoriasis, and it interested me that there were correlations between information from the National Psoriasis Foundation and the information I was reading about the supplements I was taking.  This was about gut health, and it's effect on our mental and physical health.  I learned about leaky gut syndrome, candida overgrowth, and how our bodies don't absorb nutrients and vitamins as well as they should, and how we have to battle our health issues from the INSIDE OUT.  This was step one.

Step two was to start battling things from another angle - which was counselling.  Why did I put that off for so stinking long?!  I have no idea.  I think I just felt guilty for needing that time, having to ask for help with one of my kids to make it work, and always the endless guilt that "I shouldn't feel like this, I have a good life".

That last line there is probably one of the biggest hindrances I had to getting help.  I was constantly telling myself that I had NO RIGHT to feel what I felt because things in my life were GOOD.  The truth is, depression doesn't pick and choose who it affects by what is going on the person's life.  It doesn't just pick on people who have things worse or better.  It just comes, and it darkens the light and makes things that should be good, feel bad.  It didn't matter that I had a nice home, a beautiful family, a good husband.  All I knew is that IN MY HEAD I didn't like ME.  Who was I anyway?  An annoying nobody was usually the answer I would provide to myself.  You are an annoying, prideful, imperfect, unimportant nobody.  No one really cares.  No one really loves you.  No one really wants to be around you - nevermind to hear you speaking, or sharing your pathetic thoughts.

Well, if that's the inner voice you are listening to and BELIEVING, guess what?!  You feel downright shitty.  There is not other way to say it.  You cannot feel good about anything if you cannot find something to feel good about in YOURSELF.  It's just not possible.

It was time to make changes to my thought patterns - so that is where my journey in counselling began.  When I read this quote, it was followed by watching this video, which also helped me to realize that one "natural remedy" to my depression was going to be GRATITUDE practiced every single day:

So taking this new information, and putting into practice was the beginning to a more thankful me - and it began to help IMMEDIATELY.