Whew! No pressure, right?! I can feel my perfectionist side rearing it's ugly head, forcing me to believe that I'd better put down something funny fast, otherwise I'm going to lose you.
I've lived with perfectionism for as long as I can remember. I didn't really know it, or understand it's affect on my life though until I had three kids. It never occurred to me that the intense feeling I had when I walked into a room of new people was my mind immediately evaluating the audience, and me flipping through my large array of masks deciding which one to wear to fit in with the crowd. After that, upon meeting the same people again, I would have to dig through the mess of masks to find the right one again - or find a new one, if I felt the first one hadn't been the best fit. It was actually exhausting, but I thought that it was normal. I just wanted everyone that I met to like me - even if that meant sacrificing a little bit of the real me, or bending the rules of my beliefs (or maybe just not mentioning them) to make sure I was fitting in. Despite the exhaustion and dissatisfaction I felt, I would plod on, certain that I would soon learn what it was that people were looking for that would throw me into a world of popularity, Facebook "likes" and Instagram followers. I just wanted everyone to think I was perfect.
Sometime during the year of 2015 depression that had been following me for years became increasingly worse. I was tired all the time, sad, easily pushed to tears. I could not seem to get a handle on it. I was talking to my friends frequently about my feelings, and there was a sinking feeling that I was losing them as well. I'd constantly be questioning their loyalty, and felt that I was inferior to them. The depression and anxiety continued to snowball through the summer months. I felt close to hopeless, and at times had fleeting and brief suicidal thoughts. Never mind all the things I needed to do - I had kids to take care of, a husband, family, friends, three or four committees - and to each one I held myself to a standard of perfection, and knew I wasn't even close to meeting that. I was wrecked.
Sometime in late November I finally went to see my Dr. I have to admit that she and I have not seen eye-to-eye at times concerning mental health issues, but she is still my Dr. What I really had hoped for was to start by doing some basic tests - like a really detailed physical. Take some blood, look at some hormone and vitamin levels, and see if I was measuring up. However, she would not do it. Within a few minutes of talking to me, she told me I was moderately depressed and I needed to start taking an anti-depressant immediately. She wrote out the prescription and that was it. I wasn't happy. It was not where I wanted to start. I wasn't against the drugs at all, but I had hoped to look at a few other things first - not just head straight to anti-depressants. I had been on them before, after my first baby and some pretty serious postpartum depression. The drug she prescribed also had a side effect of weight gain, which I had seen personally in some other family members, and I was afraid. I'm not huge, but neither was I at a place where I felt I could gain a few pounds either. Wouldn't the weight gain cause a whole new realm of problems, even if the depression was resolved? I filled the prescription, but never took a pill.
I had the pills in my medicine cabinet and looked at them daily. About that same time I started to open up on Facebook a little more about the depression too - posting a few shared articles on depression and anxiety. I also made a scary phone call to a mental health unit in my area for a self-referral for counselling. I knew I needed a change, but it had to be bigger than just a pill. It needed to be a life overhaul. I took myself off of every committee I was on, and opened up to a few more people in my circle that I wasn't doing well. I broke down and cried in front of the entire group of moms at my local mom's group. It was definately time to get help.
At this time a friend came forward and told me about some products she was using that were really helping with her own anxiety. She sent me numerous emails with information about the products, and then came to my house to talk to me personally about it. I am not interested in being an infomercial for the products, despite the fact that I LOVE them, so if you want to know more about it then please contact me. She generously offered to give me a month of the products for free, and so I started them on December 23rd. Two weeks after I started to notice a change. I had more energy and I was sleeping well. After another week, I noticed I wasn't craving as much sugar, I was even more energetic, motivated, and felt more positive. In January of 2016 I also began seeing a counsellor. She was one of the best things that I ever did for myself! Her recommendation to read a book by Brené Brown, followed almost immediately by a Facebook video I watched also by Brené Brown lead me to purchase her book "The Gifts of Imperfection". This was the beginning of the life overhaul changes that I hope have changed me forever!
This is just a brief (yes, BRIEF) overview of where I have come from recently. I have so much more to add, and so much more to share - so STAY WITH ME!
No comments:
Post a Comment