Initially it was innocent. I went on Facebook to have a few friends, keep up with some old friends, and just be a little more in-the-know. I knew that I would have to tread carefully, because a few years earlier I had quit blogging because I was caught in a popularity trap. Other people's blogs were getting more comments, more followers, and mine was just, well, done. I had to quit, because every time I saw that 'Sally' had 21 comments on her blog post, and I had maybe 7, I would get down on myself.
I quit that and moved on to Facebook, thinking that wouldn't be the case. But, here I am, just a few years later, dealing with the same insecurities.
The worst is that I've spent too much time looking for the approval of people in the stands. Especially when it's someone like my cousin once-removed, who has obviously unfollowed me because she never posts a single comment or likes a single photo of mine - when she posts about 50 times a day, and I seem to like or comment of every one of her dang posts. No more! I look at that lack of attention from her, and feel inadequate. I'm not "cool enough" to receive her time or her thoughts. I worry about what I've said, done, posted that has caused her to turn away. And then I think to myself, why the heck do I care about HER opinion when she is basically nonexistent in my day-to-day life?! Why. Do. I. Care. She doesn't, so why do I? Because first, disease to please. Second, popularity. I want to be liked. To be interesting. To inspire. To encourage. To know that I'm doing well.
So how to conquer it? Continue to pursue the realization that I cannot base my worth on the opinions of those in the stands. It matters what those who really KNOW ME think of me. It matters that the people who VALUE ME and not what I can DO FOR THEM, or GIVE TO THEM think. And above all, it matters what GOD thinks - and the last I checked, He would have died to save even me.
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